An Ode to My Lab Group (and Jillian)

I am currently preparing for my dissertation proposal¹. These days, I sleep with a giant leg brace on and with my dad on the futon 10 feet away from me, as I am currently 2.5 weeks out from ACL and meniscus repair surgery–and I live in a studio apartment. While I’ve been able to keep working on my research at a pretty regular pace, I haven’t been at my sharpest while recovering. So of course, my proposal is scheduled for next week. (I am the one who scheduled it and my surgery so there’s really no reason to complain here).

First of all, a note about dissertation proposals. Everyone says PhD milestones and the degree itself are just things we made up, so it’s all somewhat arbitrary. However, the proposal seems to lack all the strict rules and rubrics of the other milestones, like quals, dissertation defenses, PhD course requirements, etc. Your advisor, who has seen tons of students go through this before, is not at all concerned for you (“You’ll do great! All you need to think about is how best to utilize the time you have with your committee–you shouldn’t be worried about passing or failing”). You, on the other hand: 1) have read in the PhD handbook that you could be kicked out of the program at the end of the semester if you fail, 2) are treating this essentially as an interview for a post-doc position with your other committee members, and 3) have seen your incredibly smart and eloquent peers at their most well-dressed and nervous on their proposal days. Needless to say, I am feeling conflicted.

Anyway, the whole point of me writing all this is to say that today, I gave a very messy practice proposal to my lab group and a one Ms. Jillian Miles, one of the most competent and tactful people I know. I decided from the start that I’d just talk for 45 minutes (the handbook says proposal presentations should last 30-40 minutes) and see where I landed in the slides I made. Let’s just say that I did not finish all my slides, and that the last 20 minutes were rather painful for both me and the people listening. This was about what I expected given how prepared I was.

But what I did not expect was the feedback I got. Specifically, I was shocked by how helpful, kind, and insightful literally everyone in attendance was. I left that meeting the way I know I’m supposed to leave advisor meetings: with ideas, feedback to implement, things I wanted to read, and, most importantly, excitement for how I could make my presentation better. I am pretty sure I’ve never delivered feedback so tactfully as to make someone feel this way.

I forget sometimes how wonderful the people in my department and my lab group are. Your PhD is shaped so strongly by your advisor, but it’s also shaped by the students around you too. I feel so lucky that I have really amazing people around me².

Ok I can’t end this by not also thanking my parents, who have each driven to Pittsburgh to assist me while a tendon from my quad becomes my new ACL. There’s been so many times over the last month where I’ve seriously wondered how I would’ve gotten through this without them. (The answer to that question is probably that my practice proposal would’ve been a lot sketchier, I would’ve spent way more money on Ubers to get to physical therapy, and I would’ve eaten a lot less vegetables over the last few weeks).

(Also since this is turning into my dissertation acknowledgements section, thanks Lorenzo!)